Jan 28, Mercury enters Aquarius, with explosive results that will occur so far away they will be imperceptible. This will be a week of rethinking recent decisions that may have been inspired by rash exuberance. On Jan 29, the North Node enters Pisces. I wish I could say it were otherwise, but there it is. It may be worth mentioning that there will be a new moon in Aquarius, also Jan 29. You do not need to know where Aquarius is, except that it is in the sky. January 30, Uranus stations direct. No offense; it’s just something the cosmos does.
 | Aries (March 21 – April 19): The upcoming week will be marked by your bringing people together in harmony. Don’t worry; not any ugly people. Just the ones you like, provided that they continue to attack those you don’t like. |
 | Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You will make such a transformative change in your life this week that you will scarcely be recognizable to yourself, having ingested so much mercury that you lose the ability to recognize faces. |
 | Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Don’t worry about what you can’t control, which should be easy for you since you can control precisely nothing. |
 | Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Later this week an additional worry will be the tipping point for a painful stomach ulcer. Namely, the worry of getting the ulcers I just told you about. |
 | Leo (July 23 – August 22): Appalled by the vanity plates in your region, you will opt for a randomly generated license plate number, which, as luck would have it, will be your Gmail password “HOTTY99.” Try to think things through a little better next time. |
 | Virgo (August 23 – September 22): This week will mark the fourth consecutive week of keeping to a strict low-carb diet with a once-weekly cheat day that varies in duration from 1-7 days, usually closer to the latter. Fortunately, your diet also consists of not weighing yourself, so you’re feeling pretty darn good about your progress. |
 | Libra (September 23 – October 22): As January comes to a close, try not to feel as though you have already failed 2025. You haven’t. Sure, you may have failed January, but now you can turn the page and look forward to a fresh start at failing February. |
 | Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): This week remember you are the average of the five people you spend most time with. So start going through your list of friends and start culling all of those not in the top five. Oh wait, you don’t have any friends, you cold, calculating son of a bitch. |
 | Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Remember, it is important to let go of outdated notions, and to embrace updated notions. But don’t ask me which notions are which. Astrology is science; it’s not magic. |
 | Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): As you’ve gotten a little older and wiser, your sense of humor has evolved into what sophisticated people call “highbrow humor,” which is another way of saying “not very funny.” |
 | Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your social media doom scrolling this week will reveal a lot about how toxic doom scrolling is, both for you and for society. You will definitely do something about that, right after you get to the bottom of your feed and collect all the facts first. |
 | Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The stars say that for the most part, your life is going great and they would only change one thing, and that would be all the choices you have made so far. |