The full moon enters Leo on Feb 12, which means listen to your inner child. Actually, you should always be doing that. Then on February 14, Mercury Enters Pisces, and not a moment too soon, since the laws of physics determined it. Take this time to indulge in reverie, as it may yield a creative nugget, and also because reality is not at its best right now.
 | Aries (March 21 – April 19): This week, you will be pondering whether the US government’s extensive use of Steve Bannon’s “Flood the zone with shit” strategy might help explain why your zone is so flooded with shit right now. |
 | Taurus (April 20 – May 20): With the Full Moon in Leo and Mercury in Pisces this week, there is a lot going on in the cosmos. But you will just go ahead and keep living your life regardless. Good for you. |
 | Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You’ll get cracking on putting your life in order as soon as someone else fixes it for you first because they can’t stand the mess. |
 | Cancer (June 21 – July 22): This week, find the magic in each moment, appreciate all the little things, and try not to be distracted by things beyond your control, such as the world falling apart all around you. |
 | Leo (July 23 – August 22): Whenever you get sick of hearing about someone, pretend that you’ve never heard of them, and say “who?” Then when asked if you have been living under a rock, you say “Oh yeah, The Rock! Did you know he’s performing in the Broadway musical version of Moana?!” They will find this refreshing because they are also tired of hearing about that other person, but everyone likes The Rock. |
 | Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Usually, people should trust they did their best under the circumstances and not second-guess themselves too much. Except for you. Since you always seem to make the worst choice possible, what the world needs from you is not so much self-love as prostrate penance for your mistakes. Lots and lots of penance. |
 | Libra (September 23 – October 22): This week, you will do some quick research on the internet to make sure you exist. Turns out, it’s debatable. |
 | Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your mindset is determinative of your success. Remember, whether you believe you can or believe you can’t, you can’t. So your mindset, whatever you do, has determined your success will not be good. |
 | Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your faith in institutions will erode even further when you discover that the English dictionary has been flagrantly misspelling words. And all this time you believed lej was spelled l-e-d-g-e, troff was spelled “t-r-o-u-g-h,” and that kyew was spelled “q-u-e-u-e,” among a thousand other travesties of the English language. |
 | Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You can get a more nuanced and individualized horoscope by looking at your rising house and incorporating your full birth chart. But if you don’t want to waste your time, it’s better to incorporate details from your life, like who you are and what your situation is. |
 | Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You would take much better care of yourself if it weren’t for so many annoying people trying to get you to take better care of yourself. |
 | Pisces (February 19 – March 20): These days, you scan the contents of your BaldyScopes in the hopes that something exciting lies just around the corner, and this time there is. It’s a little rabbit with chocolate-covered raisins. But you have to catch the rabbit to get the raisins. That’s the thing. |