This week is all about karma: you give nothing and will get nothing, as usual. You’re being pushed beyond your comfort zones, but you’ll be pulled back into your comfort zones almost immediately. On March 15, Mercury retrograde in Aries begins, which can create a lot of confusion, if you are paying too much attention to it. There Mercury will meet Venus in its “Backspin” Detour of the universe, starting in Copenhagen, where it is the opening act, obviously.
 | Aries (March 21 – April 19): If things keep going as they have been, you don’t see how we all survive. On the other hand, you’ve always thought that, and things have been going as they have been for a very long time now. |
 | Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You will have a life-changing experience with the most delicious morsel of chocolate that defies imagination. Henceforth, you will be transformed into a new you, who is the same as the old you but also addicted to chocolate. |
 | Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Embrace your inner genius this week, which means embracing seeming paradoxes that are nevertheless both true. For example, how Smashmouth is one of the worst bands of all time and also created some of the best songs of the 90’s. |
 | Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Dunbar’s number limits each person to 147.8 human relationships at a time, which is okay with you. What’s sad is that you are the 0.8 of a person in most of those relationships. |
 | Leo (July 23 – August 22): So that you don’t accidentally become a cult leader, stop posting to social media those vague sayings with false depth, or else self-appointed “apostles” will appear and repackage your disjointed stream of consciousness as holy writ, in which you are the divinely appointed savior of humanity to whom all must pledge their faith, without question, on pain of death. At that point, you’re buggered. Also, stop referring to yourself in the third person as “master.” That’s about all you can do. |
 | Virgo (August 23 – September 22): At first, you will be upset when your bank robbing buddy grabs an armful of cash and runs away, leaving you holding the bag. Yet if you look at the bright side of the situation, you will find that the bag you are holding is filled with quite a lot of cash. |
 | Libra (September 23 – October 22): In an agonizing state of indecision, you will be unable to recall which area code to dial before pressing 911. |
 | Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Next week, Elon Musk will fire half your workforce when they don’t email him what they did last week. Then he will fire you for allowing your business to become so understaffed. Take heart that it is all for the greater good. Elon’s companies are doing pretty well, for example. |
 | Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Next week you will find that the “powers that be” have been you all along, and you owe the rest of us a huge apology. |
 | Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): In arguments with your friends about who is the least elitist, you will find you don’t quite make the cut. But don’t feel bad. Only an elect few truly qualify as not elitist. |
 | Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): This week, you will hire a hacker to test your cybersecurity, and it turns out hacking your accounts is easier than logging in to your accounts. You knew it! |
 | Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Advances in neuro-imaging and personalized medicine will lead to your diagnosis with the condition of having your exact brain, an extremely rare condition for which there is no cure. |