The Cancer full moon on Monday means prepare yourself for things to get a little…ughh…weird.
 | Aries (March 21 – April 19): You are probably right that the world is run by incompetent hacks, but try not to bring down the average even further by contributing your opinions. |
 | Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This week you will have a life-changing insight at the same time that your dog poops on the carpet and your 1-year-old tries to eat it. Hopefully you can recall the insight afterward. I know I couldn’t. |
 | Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Since your attention span has been shortened by scrolling through social media to the point that you are functionally illiterate, you haven’t read this far, so you will be missing your horoscope this week. |
 | Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You are increasingly concerned about how humanity will solve all the immense challenges that we face. Fortunately, people who actually know what they are talking about are working on it. |
 | Leo (July 23 – August 22): Concerned about private overreach into government overreach, you will found a watchdog organization dubbed “The Department Of the Department of Government-efficiency Efficiency (DODGE). You will then waste a lot of time revealing all the time wasted on revealing government waste. |
 | Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Try not to meddle with God’s plan by changing your life or trying to make the world different. No, leave everything the barren wasteland that God intended. |
 | Libra (September 23 – October 22): Just because you missed the opportunity of a lifetime that essentially fell in your lap doesn’t mean you should think any less of yourself. You should have thought less of yourself to begin with. |
 | Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): This week a smooth talking charlatan will try to persuade you to trust their guidance through the subtle art of flattery, but you are way too smart and good-looking to fall for a cheap ruse like that. |
 | Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): It’s not your fault you are fat since the government is conspiring not to force you to eat healthy. At the same time, corporations force you to buy only what you want to buy, which obviously is never going to be healthy. So between total freedom and unlimited choice, you’re really getting screwed from all sides. |
 | Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): As they say, to make God laugh, tell him your plans. Fortunately, you planned for that. |
 | Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): This week will discover the new feature on your iPhone called Apple Journal, which is the perfect place for you to share your private thoughts and feelings with the Chinese government, safe from the prying eyes of family and friends. |
 | Pisces (February 19 – March 20): This year, your first priority is family, and your second priority is scheduling at least 1 hour a week to get as far away from your family as possible before you f-ing lose it. |