This week Mercury squares Neptune and the future is looking a little murky, but that doesn’t make what Mercury did okay. Whoa, here comes Cancer, the crab made of stars, not the disease. That means this will be a season of the status quo, just as it is every season. Then, Mercury enters Capricorn. Kinda hot. That means it’s time for strategy, or maybe it’s Stratego, the board game; my signals are coming in a bit murky.
As if all of this wasn’t exciting enough, hear this, the Sun squares Chiron, who definitely had it coming, and Mars trines Neptune, but Neptune isn’t having it. I’ll be darned if I can figure out what that means for your day-to-day, but thought you might be interested. I mean, if you’ve never been trined, you might want to trine it sometime.
 | Aries (March 21 – April 19): You are celebrating a successful dry January with a few drinks, a little early, in anticipation of success. When you realize this means you actually failed completely, you will drown your sorrows with a few more drinks. So no significant changes this week. |
 | Taurus (April 20 – May 20): To declutter your living spaces, ask yourself “if this had poop on it, would I throw it away?” Then take all the items you said yes to and throw them away, because they definitely have poop on them. |
 | Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Jupiter rules your upper hemisphere with a clear indication of “what are you looking at me for?” while Pluto is making centripetal gain on your west quadrilateral as if to say “you figure it out.” |
 | Cancer (June 21 – July 22): After outsourcing of all your work activities to AI you will be 8 times as productive and flush with free time. Now, all you have to do is outsource all your free time to the AI, which is also a lot better at living your life than you are. |
 | Leo (July 23 – August 22): This week the Chinese will hack into your email and immediately become overwhelmed at all the things you have to do. |
 | Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You always thought you would be seeking the meaning of life until the day you die, but the mystery of life will be pretty much resolved for you this week, when, spoiler alert! It’s all about about reading books. Read the classics, read what you love, read everything that piques your interest. Everyone will think you’re crazy, but that is just because they are cooler than you are and they can definitely find better things to do with their life. |
 | Libra (September 23 – October 22): It is true that the only constant is change, unless you are changing from “living a lie” to “living a life,” in which the only change is a consonant. |
 | Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): This week you will find that the global conspiracy not to know who you are nor care runs deeper than you ever thought possible. |
 | Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your life coaching business is about to take off on the strength of the fact that you learn from mistakes and your life has been a long unbroken chain of error. |
 | Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): The coming week will offer some repose as you leave behind the taxing grind of gifts, family, travel and holiday parties, and get back to the relative deep relaxation of pretending to work at the office. |
 | Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): We COULD tell you exactly what will happen to you this week, but that would infringe on your individual freedom to screw things up in your own special way like you usually do. |
 | Pisces (February 19 – March 20): As you feel mounting expectations to be perfect, keep in mind that no one expects very much of you at all, especially given how little you have been able to accomplish so far. No one expects you to have it all, or even very much. Not on your salary. No one needs you, or even wants you, to be successful, gorgeous, with 4.5 well-adjusted kids, smile all the time, or be a perfect person, because then we would just hate you. No, we like you as the doughy malcontent that you are. Just show up and do what you say you’re going to do and you’ll crush expectations all around. |