On February 4, Venus, the planet of love, glides into Aries, which does Aries some good at least. At the same time, Jupiter ends its retrograde in Gemini, bringing cosmic relief for Gemini and shame for Jupiter; he usually does a better job holding it together. This planetary interplay will be roughly average for a cosmic fourway. You will remain unaffected by any of this, other than some mild titillation.
 | Aries (March 21 – April 19): As Venus enters your sign, you should start respecting the important part that emotions play in your life as those icky, awkward, untrustworthy, squishy things no one wants to deal with. Remember, feel them to heal them. But don’t talk about them, because no one wants to hear that shit. |
 | Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You have a great list of goals for this year, but you have no idea how to accomplish any of them. That’s okay, since you can learn, except that you think you already know everything, so you won’t. Of course now that you have the heads up from your horoscope, you would correct that. Except that you think your horoscope doesn’t apply to you, so you won’t do that either. So, good luck, I guess. |
 | Gemini (May 21 – June 20): The inspiration you have been seeking will finally strike you this week in a thunderbolt of glory. It still won’t be quite enough to get you off your ass. Fortunately, you will learn a new technique that will fix that straight away, called “standing up.” |
 | Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Rest assured your fears of being trampled by a moose are misplaced. I mean, think about it: even if a moose did want to trample you, there is pretty much nothing you could do about it. |
 | Leo (July 23 – August 22): In general, nobody can expect any more of you than your best. In your case, though, your best isn’t really cutting it. This week, try adding “do your best” to your list of “don’ts,” along with everything else you might do. |
 | Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The GMO conspiracy runs deeper than you could have imagined, as you will discover your own parents grew you in a fallopian tube from hybridized genetic material extracted from each of their bodies. When you confront them with the truth, they will say “I thought you knew.” Likely story. |
 | Libra (September 23 – October 22): Let go of outdated circumstances, namely “Ed.” Instead, heed the call to reconnect with the true destiny you certainly would have experienced if it weren’t for Ed, damn him. |
 | Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You are all for making sacrifices for the greater good, as long as you are one of “the greater good” people and the sacrifices are made by some of the “lesser, not-so-good” people. |
 | Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): The whole Venus/Jupiter thing will be quite triggering for you this week. But remember, your triggers are teachers. So if you want to stop being triggered so much, stop hanging out with teachers. |
 | Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): This week, you will finally optimize your life for both long-term wealth and low body fat percentage. Consequently you will be worth a fortune 400 years after starving to death next week, albeit with incredible washboard abs. |
 | Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): To liberate your authentic self from the strictures of the daily grind, follow your intuition and your random spontaneous actions will provide some interest, and the results will cancel each other out, landing you roughly where you started. Now if you actually want to get somewhere with your life, do the opposite of that. |
 | Pisces (February 19 – March 20): To guide you safely through the upcoming weeks, you’ll need to trust your inner voice. Just be careful as you figure out which inner voice to trust, because most of them are batshit. |