Aquarius season comes to a close, and Pisces season begins. You would think it was the other way around, but apparently not. Either way, don’t let it throw you. “Efficiency and its discontents” is the theme for the week. You’ve tried to become a lean and mean titan of industry, but it’s starting to settle in that your ambitions weren’t totally realistic. It’s time to celebrate wastefulness in your life: the fall leaves, travel, leisure, time with family, puppies, your Christmas bonus, and 96% of what your grandma does. Cutting the fat is nice, but you can only trim so much fat before you start damaging vital organs. So give up the war and enjoy the mess.
 | Aries (March 21 – April 19): As you face the witch hunt that has risen against you, you might start by discontinuing your practice of witchcraft. Actually, that might solve it right there. |
 | Taurus (April 20 – May 20): As you enact plans of radical transformation this week, bold and swift are the words of the day. This will help your idiotic failure to be as spectacular as it can be. |
 | Gemini (May 21 – June 20): As a Christian, you should check out one of the more obscure biblical prophets, Jesus of Nazareth. Granted, he doesn’t have his own book of the Bible, but hear me out: he plays a strong supporting role in several books, and he may actually be one of the better characters. Though his teachings may seem a little radical at first, they could be the shot in the arm your faith needs to become relevant again. |
 | Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You will wake up one morning to realize 20 years have passed. On one hand, that’s a startling thought. On the other hand, that totally makes sense because you are more than 20 years old. |
 | Leo (July 23 – August 22): You think of yourself as a competent white man, so you don’t see why you should be perpetually denigrated for your gender and the color of your skin. Good news, you will find you live in the meritocratic world that you had hoped for, as people were denigrating you for your incompetence all along. |
 | Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Try to use this time in your life to get in touch with your inner self, but beware of the hot sausage biscuit which you will find lodged in there. |
 | Libra (September 23 – October 22): Whatever else people say about you, one thing we can all agree on is that you are great at getting shit done. You have gotten a lot done, and all of it has been shit. |
 | Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You are making impressive inroads into reducing wasteful fun and frivolity in your life, but it comes at a cost, as all this fun-eliminating progress requires the sacrifice of all your time, energy and resources. |
 | Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): This week, your house will have never looked better, as you will fully organize and reorganize that heap of junk that you never want to see again, by hiding it from yourself in ever more creative ways: behind sleek, minimalist, Swedish-designed “hoarding cabinets.” |
 | Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You know that one of the most common regrets people have on their deathbed is that they worked too much, and not paying enough attention to their health. But you feel useless when you’re not working, so you will cross that bridge when you get there, on Thursday, on your deathbed, due to overwork. |
 | Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You find it almost incredible that the face cream you are looking into can turn a face that looks like it’s been aged 60 years by AI into a face that looks like it’s been aged 10 years by AI. But read the fine print. You need to actually be an image aged by AI for the cream to work. |
 | Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Considering that every time you look at the clock, you are disappointed at how much time has passed, you will stop looking at the clock this week. Of course, that will make the problem much worse. You will not know what you were thinking when you decided that. |