Mars ends its retrograde this week. You wish a few more people would end their retrograde, but being people, they won’t. Then there’s a Pisces new moon on February 28. I’d like to say this meant something, but I’m pretty sure its significance to you is zero, whatever anyone else says. This week, carry on more or less as you would have if you hadn’t read this horoscope.
 | Aries (March 21 – April 19): You know things are going to be terrible this week, but just to be sure, take everything good that comes your way this week and write it off as “unrealistic.” |
 | Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your fear of the proliferation of super intelligent robots will be realized this week, when they take everyone’s jobs except sex workers and usher in a nightmarish dystopia of material abundance and free love for all. |
 | Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Here’s a house cleaning lifehack: Your laundry won’t pile up so much if you keep knocking over the piles and spread them evenly across the floor. |
 | Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Oh, God, let’s face it. This is not your week. So let’s just, okay…whew. Jesus. You’re going to be…well, look. Okay, let’s not get too worked up. That never helps. How about we both take a deep breath and…, oh God. Christ… Is hibernation an option? I think a lot of your hope rests on hibernating at this point. |
 | Leo (July 23 – August 22): When your partner offers to make breakfast in bed for you this week, do not be taken in. Instead, say, “in this world of realpolitik, you must have some ulterior motive, and the fact that you aren’t owning up to it means I can’t trust you.” Knowing them, they will probably say something like “hey, I just wanted to do something nice for you,” which is a classic manipulation technique, but you’ll see right through it. As soon as you finish breakfast, leave them and go find someone who will treat you right. |
 | Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Yes, claiming to your roommate that you don’t notice any flickering lights in your house is a classic, time-honored way to gaslight them. However, your execution, standing in front of them while flipping the switch on and off, could use some work. |
 | Libra (September 23 – October 22): This week you will finally cut back on social media enough to get some time to get some perspective on your life. After less than 1 minute of perspective, it will be obvious you’ve wasted your life on social media. |
 | Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Everyone is looking for someone to blame for all their problems. Unfortunately, that someone is you. |
 | Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Let go of expectations. Let go of total control. Let go of your plans and routines. Let go of trying to feel a certain way. And most of all, let go of that salami stick. It smells. |
 | Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): All the emotions flying around this week do not compute in Capricorn, making relationships difficult to navigate. This week, be sure to tell everyone who is important in your life to just keep the relationship on ice for you until you figure out how to compartmentalize all these weird feelings. |
 | Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You are unique in a lot of ways, but you really like the way you are. That’s another thing that makes you unique. |
 | Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Remember that when a Christian tells you that “you are causing me to stumble,” it just means they think you are hot. You don’t need to act on this information, but they could probably use a “fall from grace” to help loosen their anal clench and become less irritating to those around them. |