On March 2, Venus, the planet of love—because what’s not to love about a planet full of 1000-degree poisonous gas?—begins its retrograde. It’s always sad to see that happen, but Venus is getting pretty old. Then on March 3, which, if I’m not very much mistaken, is the next day, Mercury enters Aries, a gargantuan non-event of epic proportions. This week, the stars portend some pretty scary stuff, but what actually happens in your own life depends a lot more on what you do, which is nice.
 | Aries (March 21 – April 19): Sure, you ARE super hot, and your name IS “Jesus Kris Mya Pierson Y’all Lordyan Savvyor,” but that doesn’t mean you can get away with incessantly commenting on how all the Oscar winners are “making a pass at you” in their acceptance speeches. |
 | Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You know everything is the worst, so nothing could possibly go right for you this week. That is why you will be pleasantly surprised when you aren’t impaled on the lance of a Saxon invader even once this week. |
 | Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You would gladly pay double for your subscriptions. So in a sense you can’t afford to cancel them. However, in a truer sense you don’t have enough money to pay for them right now. But you gotta spend money to make money, right? |
 | Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You swear you would never become your parents, but later this week you will reprimand your kid for drinking too much milk and also for not finishing their milk during the same breakfast. Then you’ll realize that actually, you might be a little worse than your parents. But that’s okay; you turned out alright. |
 | Leo (July 23 – August 22): God will let you live again next week, which you will interpret as divine license to do whatever you want. But God just confirmed that for the record, he has never approved of anything you’ve done. He just doesn’t like to meddle. |
 | Virgo (August 23 – September 22): As you’re the only person who can do anything right, naturally you take charge of everything and everyone else, fixing things for them so they don’t have to. You will be perplexed at first why others don’t express more gratitude this week, since you know people love giving up control over their own destiny and to be fixed by other people. But don’t worry; you’ll figure out what is wrong with them eventually. |
 | Libra (September 23 – October 22): You would love to live to 150, but that would take like 100 years, and you don’t have that kind of time to wait around. Not with your limited lifespan. |
 | Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You are a genius, as you are well aware. So you tend to be the best at everything you do. For instance, you have been unparalleled in your ability to make a total mess of things lately. |
 | Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You would benefit from investigating your tendency to self-sabotage, which is that whenever you’re not 100% sure what to do, you start investigating your tendency to self-sabotage instead of just going ahead and fixing it. |
 | Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Though trouble brews on the horizon, and calamity seems inevitable, take heart. It will be a while before you will need to make any kind of meaningful sacrifice. |
 | Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You will get the sense that you are “being left behind” somehow when you unable to prove that are not a robot online, because robots have gotten better than you at solving those stupid Captcha puzzles. |
 | Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Since your information diet consists solely of 1990’s romantic comedies, you may not be very informed about what is happening in the world. On the other hand, you are not very mis-informed about what is happening in the world either, so you’re coming out ahead of most folks. |